every where

it has become clear
from many directions
that i need to elaborate

she herself asked me
am i regretting taking down my archives?

i think mostly i feel
the pull to be
the persona that manifested
as this blog's writer
or rather, the best parts of her

i am extraordinarily proud
of nearly all that i've written here
as writing goes
because nearly all of it
was as real and true
as i'd ever dared to be
to express
before
heady shit!

it has been a testing ground
a proving ground
to see if i could let myself
be the me i found in that writing

i like her mostly, the woman who has written this blog

and i'm a little intimidated by her, too
frankly, i am stunned
at how good some of the writing has been

we derive meaning
our sense of self
from relationships
and this has been very evident
in my writing here

i have endeavored to write
entirely from my perspective
broadly in distinguishable ways
specifically in intangible others
but the existence at all of this blog
has come at a cost
my beloved
initially had no knowledge or say in her representation here
out in front of the world
in extraordinarily intimate ways
and this is a profound ethical matter
of trust
of safety
of respect

in these ways
i have unintentionally abused her
abet lovingly, adoringly
and under the guise of "art"

when i did reveal these writings fully
and their location
to her
it caused a serious and righteous chasm between us
a fair consequence
one she has tried to eat whole and digest
over and over
and still has indigestion from yet
all the while encouraging me to write
always seeking to be
agreeable
ready
willing

i've come to realize
the sacred space i've written about here
belongs between us
me and her
and it is for both of us to share
or not

i have wrestled with the integrity of this blog
its contents
for quite a while now
craving the outlet for writing
- and i do love writing about sex with her
enjoying seeing myself and
being seen as this persona
(which are reasons enough for concern, egads)
but also for the sanctity of her
her privacy
her autonomy
her choice

she has been presented here
as a figment, a fetish, a torso
but this not fair to her
fair to her position in my life
or fair to her position as a being on this planet
she is a whole, growing and vibrant soul
and i want everything at least under my domain
to make clear, obvious and tangible space for her
to grow into her birthright

if i want her to become a whole and real person
in my life
in my heart
by my side
equal, sovereign partners traveling together
i have to present her as such
every
where

does this make sense?

so
here we are